What I treat
Therapy for self-esteem
Self-esteem is not fixed by repeating that you are worth a lot. It is fixed by changing what you do on the days you are convinced you are not.
What it looks like from the inside
Nobody books an appointment saying “I have low self-esteem”. They book because they cannot stand their job any more, because they have once again chosen someone who treats them poorly, or because they have spent years putting off something that matters to them for fear of not measuring up.
- Saying no is hard, and afterwards you are angry with yourself for not saying it
- You apologise for things that are not your fault
- No achievement counts: there was always luck involved, or it could have gone better
- Constant comparison, especially with what you see on screens
- You avoid situations where you could be judged
- You treat yourself with a harshness you would never apply to a friend
Why self-help has not worked for you
Because most of it proposes arguing with the thought. It tells you to repeat that you are worthy, and you repeat it, and you do not believe it. Of course not: arguing with a thought grants it importance, and what has importance comes back.
Besides, self-esteem is not a fixed property you either have or lack, like height. It is the result of what you do repeatedly: every time you keep quiet so as not to bother anyone, accept something you did not want or fail to show up for something you fancied, you have just filed one more piece of evidence in favour of the thesis that you are not worth much. Behaviour writes the biography, not the other way round.
And it is almost never just about you. That way of treating yourself was learned somewhere, and it is usually being held up today by someone or something specific.
How I work with it
First we identify the rule. Almost everyone runs on an unwritten norm along the lines of “if it is not perfect it does not count” or “if I say no, they will stop loving me”. When you see it written on the whiteboard, it stops looking like reality and starts looking like what it is: a rule somebody taught you and that you are allowed to revise.
Then we test it. Not with debates: with experiments. Saying no once and seeing what actually happens. Asking for something. Showing your work without apologising for it first. These are small assignments, agreed with you, that produce new data. Data convinces far better than argument.
And we work on your relationship with the thought, not its content. From acceptance and commitment therapy: letting the critical voice carry on talking while you do what matters to you. You do not need to win the argument, you need to stop waiting for it to go quiet before you begin.
How long it usually takes
It usually runs in line with the rest of my practice: around five sessions spread over several months, precisely because the work happens between sessions and needs time to produce evidence. You can see fees and common questions in the FAQ, and how I work on my method.
Shall we try changing the rule?
In a short call you tell me what you are missing out on because you do not think you are up to it, and I will tell you whether I think I can help with that.
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